Right away, I usually get a sense of what drew a couple together and use my intuition to help turn the dial up on that. I support clients in turning towards each other and building connection where the relationship has come to feel stale or distant, or passionate but rocky.
Couples usually come to my office on the verge of divorce, looking to work on intimacy and communication. Long-standing issues and perpetual problems are rooted in a sense of inequality or a power dynamic that dims romance and increases a sense of insecurity. It’s fun helping clients articulate what’s going on for them, seeing them take responsibility where before was defensiveness, and seeing partners turn towards each other to bravely see what the other person really might be feeling.
Every relationship is unique, and one couple’s red flag could be your key to happiness. I work with you to determine what your relationship blueprint is, how that’s working for you, and to articulate dreams even if saying what you really want feels vulnerable or impossible. Even if you or your partner are different than expected, you might grow together into a relationship deeper and more meaningful than you’d hoped.
Some of the tools I use in couples therapy are:
- Intimacy interventions
- Gottman Institute interventions
- Mindful, empathic listening
- Trauma-focused work
- Love-mapping
- Conflict management
- Relationship timelines
- Attachment-styles
Anxious Attachment
- Fear of abandonment
- History of abandonment trauma, neglect
- Requests frequent validation
- Loose/enmeshed boundaries
- Fluid sense of self/difficulty accessing self
- Indecision
- Pursuing response
- Emotional dysregulation/fawn survival response
- Stability based on how partner is doing
Avoidant Attachment
- History of invasive partner or parents including trauma
- Strong (rigid) boundaries
- Withdrawal response/Pursued
- Emotional shutdown/freeze survival response
- Decisive/authoritative
- Trusting feels risky
- Vulnerability feels unsafe or humiliating
- Emotional phobias
- Unaffected by partner’s moods; fear of partner’s moods
Disorganized Attachment
- A mix of avoidant and anxious attachment styles
- Inner turmoil and chaos
- Push and pull, love and hate, ambivalence and confusion
Secure Attachment
- Flexibility
- Trusting that one can move through difficulty into safety again
- Stability rooted in self versus external circumstances
- Able to gauge and respond to external circumstances while staying rooted in self
Common stressors for couples are balancing the business of daily life with quality time together, managing personal mental health, trauma-symptoms, acclimating to the demands of parenting, and/or reconnecting through physical intimacy. Conflict in relationship is inevitable. The question is, how can you navigate conflict to reduce pain? How can you use that tension to power what brings you both a sense of joy and fulfillment?